Remembering loved ones I never met

Every 1st of November, the entire Philippine country marched down to the cemeteries or graveyards, where their loved ones rest. Due to the endless coming and going of people, streets end up as a huge parking lot. Not a single vehicle moving.

As a child, I seldom go to the cemeteries. I complained endlessly of people squeezing me, not minding there is a little person in their midst. I often end up with painful toes constantly stepped on by everyone.

Once settled in our great grandparents' and my two little sister's "puntod" (or grave), my grandmother will lit up candles and everybody, as if coached, bowed their heads and kept silent for a while.

I never met my great grandparents; just saw their pictures on the wall.

I never met my two sisters, I just know their names. My mom had two stillbirths.

Yet, I was told to love them and I did.

Not mindful of my family, my head was busy turning around. My eyes feasted on various floral arrangements, exquisitely and passionately arranged by the relatives as an offering to their loved ones.

Some families brought in food to last the whole night through. There were strumming of guitars and singing to keep them entertained. There were constant buzzing and smiling. All Saints' Day was a day for gathering and time for family reunions at the cemetery.

I eventually stopped going to the public cemetery as I constantly get myself lost trying to find my way through. I always try to keep a landmark in my head so the following year I could remember where our great grandparents were laid. However, maybe due to the inevitable and countless burials every year, those landmarks kept on missing (or moving).

Recently, all saints day (or during all souls day) have been defined differently. Halloween Day (or Night) has been institutionalized and has become Kid's day, with all the costumes (from superheroes to gory outfits) plus tonnes of sweets and lollies on trick-and-treat night. Nights at the cemeteries has become a huge party (I think) with modern sounds coming from techno-machines (Ipods, Iphones). There were also drinking and card games (pokers, tong-its).

I have my own date for All Saints Day; I actually have two. One is February 6 and the other one is July 10. I lost my two beloved babies on those dates; two consecutive years.

I never met my two babies. The first was 11 weeks; the other one was 8 weeks. Their heartbeats stopped and just felt they left me. I was never told to love them; I just did.

On these two dates, I still cry for my babies and wonder how they have looked. I still felt longing to embrace and kiss them. I also imagine playing with them, together with my Ken.

Though I've moved on, I still feel the pain.

I console myself with the thought that I have two lovely angels looking down at us wherever we go.

I love you, my little lost ones.